Sunday, September 19, 2010

Max is HERE!!!!!!

I had some non painful contractions all weekend, so monday morning (sept. 13th) I went to the doctor just to get checked out. Turns out I was 4cm and 80%. So we went to the hospital just to get hooked up and looked at. About 6 hours later I was still 4cm 90% and the doctor asked if I wanted my water broken to speed things up, since I was having regular contractions. HECK YES!! haha. So at 3pm my water was broken. Around 4:30 they put me on pitocin. Then my contractions got super super painful. I made it to 5cm and was stuck. More and more painful, so I got some IV drugs, still super painful, and tons of back labor. So I caved and asked for an epidural. They stuck it in and let it run and it felt like my left leg was struck my lightening. He had messed it up. I said I didn't want him to try again, but he had to I guess? So second try. My left side worked but it made my right side twice as painful. So he trippled my medication through it to try and "push it through" and I had to lay on my right side. This was more painful then anything. I told him that only my left side was working and he said he had given me to much to take it out and try again just yet. O my goodness. So round #3. It worked about 15 minutes later. I'm still not sure if it was worth it. I started pushing at 12:30 am and Maximus Jude was born at 2:18 am. Sept 14, 2010. 7lbs 5oz. 19.5" 36.6weeks gest.

I will update more later, but he is AMAZING! hes so sweet and good!

The one picture Max was only 3 minutes old. When they laid him on my belly he already had his eyes open. The second one he is almost 2 days old.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Cerclage OUT

Wow. It seems like I was just praying about my cerclage going in. 22 weeks ago. 22 weeks. That is a very long time. So much has changed in my life since then.

I had an ultrasound yesterday since my fundal height was measuring about 6 weeks ahead. Turns out he is averaging about a week ahead. And weighs about 6 lbs 12oz.

So my cerclage was taken out today. Ouch. I got to see it tho, pretty neat. Seeing that little piece of extra thick fishing line type thing is what saved my sons life. I truly believe that.

I'm having contractions, but not close enough together yet.

Thanks again for all the prayers, I'm glad I get to tell you some good news. =)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Woah. =)

Miah passed away 1 year and 1 month ago.
Max's due date is in 35 days and I'm 35 weeks pregnant.
He most likely wont make it to his due date, but I'm beyond relieved we are already 35 weeks. At my appt. on Monday we found out he was measuring 6 weeks ahead (he has been measuring about a week ahead) so I have an ultrasound on the 7th, and my cerclage is coming out on the 8th. I'm already funneled to the stitch. So Max may be here in a little over a week. WOAH.

Monday, August 30, 2010


Had to go to L&D last night.
So at my apt on the 17th, they found some blood in my urine. Sent away a culture, last Wed I got a call saying that there was bacteria, so they started me on an antibiotic. I had been having pretty bad contractions, but nothing time able really. But everyday it just got worse and worse. So yesterday (saturday) I could hardly wake up, my body was so out of it, and I felt like crap. I could just lay around. Everyone thought I was really sick. I was having super bad pains and weird contractions. Then at 1am sunday morning I tried to take a shower to relieve some of the pain, but no help. Found spotting and called Dustin. He had been telling me since wed to call the dr, but I kept thinking my apt is Monday, so I would just wait till then. But I finally went in after the spotting. I didn't want my cervix to tear, since my cerclage is still in, and having contractions. So we got to L&D and found out my blood pressure was pretty high. I've never even had blood pressure be slightly high, so that was scary. Then found out I was running a temp. Did a NST and Max is just fine. The nurse had to hold the monitors to my belly because he is not a fan, he would push them off. She got a good laugh out of this, I just wanted to make sure his heartbeat was fine. Haha. But they did lots of blood work and more pee work. =) Ran an IV, tons of fluids, and antibiotics. All my labs came back fine. No pre eclampsia, which is wonderful, thats what they were worried about with my blood pressure. But after some left side got better. The IV and antibiotics took my temp back down. Found out the infection was causing my uterus to be irritable. So they finally let me go home early this morning, since I have an apt Monday. Thanks for the prayers everyone!! Love you all!!
Tomorrow we find out with my stitch comes out!! YAY!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

34 weeks

34 weeks. enough said. =)

Friday, August 20, 2010

wake me up when september ends. =)

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

those words hit home. max is due oct 6th. wake me up when september ends.

i am doing really really well. in a couple weeks i find out when i get my cerclage out. it has gone so fast.

i had an amazing baby shower last saturday! i am truly blessed with amazing friends!!!

thanks for the prayers. and keep them coming!!

love you all!

jamie jane

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Happy Birthday Miah.

Today you would be 1. I love you so much.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
A soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out.

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

-Amy Grant.

Man that's how I feel. Many songs just break me down.
Miah's first birthday is getting closer.
I have no idea what to do.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
-Natalie Grant

Thursday, July 1, 2010

11 months vs. 26 weeks. Worth the wait.

There will never be a winner, and there really is no battle. But sometimes it seems like there is a winner, when I wish there was never a battle. I am that loser. I am that battle.

I should have an 11 month old little girl. She would be able to talk by now. Say mama. Instead I have her buried under the ground. He tiny lungs couldn't even cry.

I was so incredibly happy when I found out I was pregnant with Miah. Dustin and I were living together, on our own, in a wonderful little one bedroom apartment. Both of us working. I took the test in the morning and thought it was positive, but wasn't sure. So I retested the next morning, and sure enough, two pink lines. I called Dustin right away. Later that morning my mom came to pick me up, her, my sister, my nephew and I were going to go out for breakfast. I ordered chocolate milk instead of soda. Then we went to walmart. I picked out two Newborn size onesies. One was navy and said "Cute as a" with a picture of a button. The other says "Worth the wait" with a picture of a snail and is light blue. (I never could have imagined how long that wait would really be until a baby filled it out) I put the onesies in a gift bag and got a mothers day card (It was a couple weeks before mothers day 2009) for my mom that was to "grandma" and signed it "the bean size baby in Jamie's belly" while Kacey opened the bag. And that's how I told them. It was a wonderful, beautiful day. With amazing memories.

Fast forward 9 months.

When I found out I was pregnant with Max, I was in denial. Dustin and I and two of our friends were bowling, and Dustin and Dami both thought there was something wrong with me. They both actually thought I was pregnant. But I was sure there was no way I was, so it made me even madder. I was living at home again now. And I still had another test from when I tested for Miah. (I saved everything that had to do with her) I got up early to pee on a stick. There they were, two bright pink lines. I started crying. My mom had gone to drive through mcdonalds for breakfast (we like to eat. haha) and when she came home, after we ate, I told her. She screamed and cried as I sobbed into a pillow.

These are so very very different. My first high risk Drs apt was exactly 6 months after Miah was born and passed away.

I am so very in love with Max as he's growing inside of me. And I feel like I'm being unfair to him. It took months until my family was excited for him. I loved him from day one, but I was scared most of the way more than anything.

Here I am on bedrest. Trying to keep my tiny rainbow inside of me.

He is already 8 weeks bigger than Miah ever will. He gains more weight in a week, than she even was.

I have set a moving target of goals. First was 24 weeks. (yay) Next is 28. Then 30. Then 34.

I was talking to someone the other day, and told them I just hope he stays in until Aug. and it hit me. Like a gunshot to my chest. I hope Max makes it in my belly, until Miahs 1st Birthday.

August 1st.

I have been extremely blessed with my rainbow baby Maximus. He will live. He will talk and walk, pray and cry, love and give. Miah touched so many people in her 5 minutes of life. But she got to go straight to heaven.

So my days, moments, thoughts, fears, emotions are all extremely bipolar.

I should have a talking baby girl, and growing a baby boy (with my super healthy cervix) But that is not my life. That is not Gods plan for me.

So someday in the upcoming months I am going to bring home a baby boy in an outfit that was meant for his sister. He will never know her in this world. But I believe she knows him very well.

Mommy loves you Miah Anne. Happy 11 months in Heaven.
And Maximus please stay in there. You are worth the wait.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Funneling, crap.

Today was another ultrasound. At the last one they couldn't see Max's face, and a side effect of a medicine I take is clef pallet, so we were so happy to see that his little face is perfect!!! He's measuring bigger than his due date so that's nice too. But for the bad news... I'm funneling. I'm not sure if it's all the way to the cerclage yet, I wont see my doc. till Wed. But I know woman can still go full term with funneling, especially with my handy dandy cerclage. Btw, my cervix measured about 2.9. I was happy with that. So bed rest it is.

When the tech was looking at his lips and nose, Max kept boxing at her. He's so awesome. Haha. I love that little man so much. Oh, and he is all MAN.

Thanks for all the prayers, and please keep them coming. Love to you all!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Bed Rest

So yesterday I was having tons of BHs. and then a lot of pressure. So this morning, right before some wonderful Nelsons Chicken..It feels like there is a bowling ball sitting on my cervix and tearing out my cerclage. So needless to say, 2 hours, google, and a non answering nurse on call, later, my mom and I were sitting in L&D at the hospital. In the 5ish hours I was there, my doctor delivered two babies and did a surgery. (I had written a post about him before..Bad Dr. And he reprieved himself today) So, after a very very painful exam, I knew something was wrong. He had to go out and "check some things" after he did my (extremely painful) exam, but when he came back I was just told that I need to greatly reduce my activity. Well you see. I do nothing. Absolutely nothing. So bed rest it is then. Maximus is still kicking away and healthy, that's so wonderful. But now I just need my cervix to hold for at LEAST another 8 weeksish please.
Thanks for all your prayers!!
Happy Fathers day to all you men out there!

Thanks to Cara's Mommy over at Angel Baby Names for this beautiful picture for Miah.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Updates and Rants

I have not written for a while, but I sure have been reading. It may be good that I've had nothing to write about, just letting Max grow. On Saturday Dustin and I got his travel system. I think I could pass a test on travel systems right now, I've read so much on them. Everything is going wonderful, and at the same time, everything is really hard. The worst of all, money. I hate money. I truly do. I would love to live in a society where I grow you a potato and you cook me some bread and at the end of the day I give you some potatoes for some bread. Makes sense huh. The travel system is the only thing we have gotten for him. (Some wonderful people have given us some adorable clothes) The other hard thing is space, and space is connected to stupid money. Right now I'm living at home with my mom, sister, and nephew. I share a room with my sister and nephew. So when Max gets here, I will take my moms room, and she will sleep with my sister and nephew. It's hard and frustrating. If I were able to work right now, Dustin and I could afford our own place, but I can't work, so no place for us. But Max is doing great. My cervix are getting checked on the 21st, and we should get to see his face then. (the last u/s he wouldn't let us see his face, he showed his penis nice and clear, but no face) And the only side effect of a medication I am on is clef lip so that's even more of a reason to be happy to get so see his face. Did I tell you guys we picked out a name. Maximus. And either Jude or James for his middle name. =)

How far along:
23 weeks 5 days(going by 10/6 edd)
Weight gain: I first lost 20 pounds, I've gained back 2.
Stretch marks: I've had some, now I'm getting them on my sides.
Symptoms: I'm still pretty tired. But that's all!!
Sleep: Sleep? Maybe that's why I'm tired. It's so stinkin hot. We have no A/C or fans. and too much body heat, and it's hard to get comfy. Ugh. So sleep..hmm.. I'll get back to ya.
Best Moment this Week: My mom, Hayden, and Dustin have now all felt and seen Max move. The other night I was pressing a little where he was pushing out at and I could feel him perfectly, like his actual little body. And now if I lay on one side and he goes that way, when I sit up you can see where he is.
Food Cravings: Popsicles, popcorn, CHICKEN!!
Labor Signs: some BH
Belly Button in or out?: In, but it's never been so shallow.
Movement: He moves so so so much. So far I've had nurses tell me to get ready, and Doctors that have called him a movie and a shaker. =)
Milestones: Well, Max is now about 5 weeks older than Miah will ever be.

Eventually I will post pictures of my growing belly. Someday.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Hospital Scare

I've craved Olive Garden for a very long time. The last time I asked Dustin to take me, he broke his key in half in his car door, so we didn't get to go. Then last night I asked him to take me today. And his car battery dies. We get it charged, make it there, and have wonderful taste buds delight!! Max was doing flips in my belly, I can already tell he's a fan. So after an hour of eating and letting it digest and trying to stuff down more, we leave.(TMI alert!!) On our way out I stop to go pee, and as I wipe, brown mucusy discharge. Tears stream on down. I use Dustins phone to find the doctors number, call, talk to nurse, and as we start driving back to town from Elkhart, his phone almost dies. But it holds out for the nurse to call me back and tell me to head to L&D right away. Ugh. PANIC MODE. It seems like everyone is driving half of the speed limit. So it takes us almost an hour to get from Olive Garden to the hospital. When Dustin and I get up there they are already waiting for us, I get put on monitors, and Max kicks the monitor constantly. That's the only thing that made it easier/better. As two different nurses try and monitor his heartbeat, he lets you listen to it for a while, then kicks repeatedly at the monitor itself. Hard enough causing it to move. DR comes in and checks my cerclage, turns out that there is tissue around one of the holes from the stitch that is inflamed and rough, and that's what's causing the spotting. Giant sighs of relief and praises. So so wonderful to be preparing for the worse and all that happens is you get two nurses to call your unborn baby boy a booger already. =) it was nice to hear him move so much, I can feel him all the time, but nice to hear it.
Thank you all for the prayers!! and please keep them coming!
love you all!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Team Blue

I've been able to hold boys since I lost my beautiful Miah, but I still haven't held a girl. For the first 4 months I felt like my bubbles was a boy, but I didn't know for sure. After my cerclage I started getting more excited about being pregnant, still extremely bittersweet.
Today was my big ultrasound. I told my lady that I really wanted to know the gender, and she was amazing!! The U/S took over an hour, she was so thorough and kind. While she was measuring the thigh bone, we heard there is the scrotum *pause* me, my mom, and Dustin all squealed in unison. She laughed, it was a wonderful moment.
My little man is sure a mover and a shaker. His hands kept covering his face, he would wave a lot, and move and flip and have hiccups. So wonderful. The best part... Everything was perfect!! That's the most I could ask for. I am the most excited I've been so far through this pregnancy now. I'm not worried as much, I have a special peace. My cerclage is holding strong and my cervix look amazing. (as cervixs go)
Thanks again for all the prayers!! You all are incredibly wonderful!!
you can vote on boys names at
love you all!!
-jamie and bubbles

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

19 weeks and random survey. =)

Today Bubbles and I are 19 weeks pregnant.
Every day is a milestone now that I'm passed the age Miah was.
My sister has strep throat, so I spent the night at Dustins twice and on the couch once. There is no way I'm going to share a room with a lady with strep throat. I can't wait to find out Bubbles gender next Tuesday. Dustin and I are doing better also, we still have a lot to go through. Thanks again for all your prayers!! And please keep them coming!
Love you all lots!
jamie and bubbles

This survey thing was on baby center last night, so I thought I would share.

A - Age: 20
B - Bed size: Twin
C - Chore you hate: Dishes
D - Dog's name: Marley and Abby
E - Essential start your day item: Potty =)
F - Favorite color: lilac
G - Gold or Silver: silver
H - Height: 5'6"
I - I am: an individual
J - Job: nothing at the moment. =/
K - Kids: Beautiful Miah in Heaven, and baby on the way.
L - Living arrangements: Tiny house with my mom, sister, and nephew.
M - Mom's name: Paula
N - Nicknames: Jamie Jane
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: nope.
P - Pet Peeve: grouchy people. my mom changing the channels to slowly.
Q - Quote from a movie:? we are the makers of music, we are the dreamers of dreams. -Willy Wonka
R - Right or left handed: right
S - Siblings: sister
T - Time you wake up: 1pm ish.
U- Underwear: comfy ones that fit right now.
V - Vegetable you dislike: I'm not to big on carrots.
W - Ways you run late: I hate being late. So I hardly ever am.
X - X-rays you've had: lots, teeth, thumb, wrist, chest.
Y - Yummy food you make: chicken, mashedpotatoes, meatloaf, chili, lots more.
Z - Zoo favorite: goats

Friday, April 30, 2010

tears of rage

So 9 months ago tonight (on a Friday also) is when I went to the ER for bleeding. And 9 months ago tomorrow (Saturday Aug. 1st 2009) is when my beautiful Miah Anne passed away. Now tonight, I'm pregnant with a baby that is the exact age she was on the same day. 9 months apart. Dustin wasn't there for me then, why should I have expected anything different from him tonight. It's going to be a hard one. It already is.

Tears of Rage - The Band

Tears of rage, tears of grief

Why must I always be the thief?

Come to me now, you know we're so low

And life is brief

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. A reason that is way bigger than me. Way bigger than my world. When I was little I used to watch the Veggie Tales where they sing "God is bigger than the Boogie Man." I think about that song a lot. I get scared really easily and I hate it. It makes me question myself and my faith, but I know that that is a lie of satan. I am strong. My relationship with Jesus grows daily. I wish it would grow faster, I'm hunger for him. One of the hardest things right now is Dustin. I love him more than anything. I just wish he would accept Jesus. He sure is growing, and that's wonderful. But I want him to be the future leader of our family. I need him to be a man of God. I pray for that constantly. He is one of the nicest people I know. He has such a kind heart. He loves me and Miah and Bubbles more than anything, but I want him to be madly in love with my Jesus. Please pray for him!

So I titled this "Timing" and now I will explain why.

Miah was due on Dec. 29, 2009. This baby is due Sep. 29, 2010. Miah passed away at about 18.4 weeks on Aug. 1st, 2009. This baby will be that exact age on May 1st, 2010. Exactly 9 months after Miah passed away.

I'm not sure if I was ready for this baby, but I know I am now. I was still having a hard time with pregnant ladies, how in the world was I going to be one in the mirror?
I have been given abundant peace by my most powerful God. I am more than blessed.

love you all!
jamie and bubbles

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


Monday, April 12, 2010

Bad Dr!!!

Today I had a follow up DR. apt to check my cerclage and stuff. So Dustin and I get there, I have never seen this Dr. before, and he turns out to be a total jerk! He wouldn't look at my stitch. He was just trying to get us to leave. He told me that it's like barbwire around my cervix, that sure made me feel better! (sarcasism) Then he said that I could lift up to 30 lbs and walk as much as I want, and do stairs, and take baths. All of which the Dr I've seen so far has said not to do. Then he talked about his 8 year old daughter and her medication (shes on the same stuff as me) and how I'm not taking enough, he seriously talked about her longer than he spent talking to me. We were being pushed out when he said he "guesses he could check for the heartbeat" ugh. And I had lost even more weight (20 lbs now since my first preg. apt) And the nurse was more worried then he was. I would be fine with never seeing him again. Then after all of this. He said to make my next apt for 4 weeks!!! 4 weeks?!?! are you crazy. I was told I would need my cerclage checked at least ever other week. And he didn't even look at it!! Crazy man. So at check out I made another apt with my Dr. who did the surgery on Wed. He told me he wanted to check it anyways. That makes me feel better that I get to see him. And I'm having my big ultrasound on May 11th. We will find out the sex then if not before!
Thanks for all your prayers!!
Love you all!
-jamie and bubbles

Friday, April 9, 2010

After My Cerclage

Everything went amazingly well! I've been so blessed!!! Thank you all for the prayers! They couldn't find Bubbles heartbeat at first, but my Dr said that the surgery center didn't have the right kind of doppler. So I got sent in for an ultrasound. Bubbles is great! Moving a lot and measuring big. I'm not on strict bedrest like I thought I was going to have to be, since my stitch took so well. I have to limit my activity tho, and after Bubbles gets bigger I will be on stricter bedrest. I have a follow up apt on Monday, but I believe all is well, just still having some bleeding.
Love to you all!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Cerclage Tomorrow

Please pray.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


So a lot of people have asked what I have started to call the baby, and it's Bubbles. It fits bubbles, when I first felt Bubbles move it was like bubbles popping...Now it's flips and nudges, but Bubbles stuck.

I had a wonderful birthday!!! I was so proud of myself, we had gotten the cake the day before, and it was sitting in my fridge, with my name on it!! and I didn't touch it. I was so proud.

My sister got me a digital camera, and my mom gave me money. This is the most I've ever gotten for a birthday before. But I guess it's a big one.

My dreams are pretty weird.

Sometimes I'm so positive, and sometimes I'm not. It's like, when I hold this baby in my hands, or if I ever get to hold this baby alive. It's really hard.

Thanks again for all your prayers, and please keep them coming!!


Monday, March 29, 2010

update after appointment

Well I'll start off with last Thursday I had a trip to L&D, my doctor was the doctor on call and I was having really bad cramping and presure on my cervix, so of course I got super worried and scared, but they got me right in for an US and he said that everything was ok, that babies heartbeat was good and my cervix still looked good, so that was such a relief! He said it was probably just my uterus moving up even higher (I'm already super big...not sure how much longer we are keeping it a secret, even tho some people know) Baby actually measured a little over a week bigger than what they thought. It would take the due date back to my orginal one. (They changed it at my 8/10 week US...thought it was 10 weeks, but turned out to be about 8) It made me feel better that little one is bigger rather than smaller) anyways, everything was good. He just told me no bank robbing. =)

So today I had my regular appointment. My mom took me, we heard babies heartbeat with a doppler, it was so wonderful!! 150-153, and heard the baby move a lot. I've felt the baby quite a bit already. =)

Scheduled my cerclage for April 8th. It works out well because my mom has that whole week off for spring break. I will be asleep through the procedure.

Then a follow up apt the following Monday.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. I'll be 20. We are all going to Essenhaus for dinner. Then cake at home.

Well thanks for reading, and prayers would be wonderful!!!

Thanks so much!

peace, love, and blessings!
-jamie jane

Monday, March 22, 2010

Baby of Hope

Now that I'm showing quite a bit I thought I would write something. I was going to wait until after my surgery, but I thought, as much as I already love this baby, I will enjoy it while I still get to carry it. I know that's a hard way of thinking, but that's how I'm taking it right now. One day at a time. I found out I was pregnant the end of January, o man was it a bad week. I was a rollercoaster every 5 minutes. I still couldn't look at babys without breaking down, how in the world was I going to have one inside of me. How on Earth would God let me get pregnant when there are amazing people out there who want babies so bad who are on fertility treatments and I'm 19 and not married. I questioned God. Then I said to myself. JAMIE YOU IDIOT. Why in the WORLD are you questioning God when he is giving you such a miracle! This baby is the best gift, and you haven't even thanked God yet. Then I was mad at myself. After 9 or so weeks. (from my LMP I should be about 2 weeks ahead of what the baby measured at 8 weeks on an ultrasound) But they were moving and their heart was beating great! My next apt is on the 29. Then I find out when I will be having my surgery. It's a cerclage, a stitch around my cervix, so I don't go into early labor again. So with some bed rest and the stitch I have a 85%-90% chance of my baby living. I would love love love any prayers. And I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone, and I really don't blame any of you if you chose not to talk to me for a while. All of my babyloss friends, I love you guys so very very very much! Words can not explain.

I'm writing this at 1:20 in the morning, so I'm sorry if some parts don't make sense.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Miah's name by the waterfall.

I guess I haven't really updated at all. There isn't much to say. I live my life day by day. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm doing so well. I have a lot of stuff going on, some a lot harder than others. but God is Good.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Hey, can I have some prayers please? I'm going through a really hard time. Maybe for peace, and guidance, and timing. Thanks so much!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Miah's name in the sand.

Monday, February 1, 2010

six months

Six months ago today Miah was born and died. I even looked at the clock at the exact time. Today was a day of ups and downs. There are some crazy things going on in my life these last couple weeks. I feel bad that I didn't give the day to Miah as much as I could have. I even saw the same doctor today that saw me in the hospital. I miss my daughter very much. Happy 6 months my dear Miah.

Friday, January 22, 2010

the first blog/the story of Miah

This is my first ever blog. I had a xanga when I was 14, and I don't think that counts. Maybe a little writing here and there on facebook and myspace. I saw Julie and Julia a couple weeks ago with an amazing girlfriend and thought about blogging then, but I can't cook. As much time as I have I didn't think I would have enough time to do anything like this.
I enjoy reading other peoples blogs. I'm a people person and love listening to their thoughts and stories about their lives. (Dustin loves to call me nosy) but I just think I am caring.
Then today I starting reading a new and dear friend of mines blog. We attend the same support group, Parents Sharing Hope. We both had babies who passed away. After reading hers I decided to share my story.
There may be no one who ever reads this except me, and that's just fine. I've only journaled once since Miah died. So maybe this will end up being more for me than anyone else.
This brings me to my beautiful daughter Miah Anne Colvin.
On July 31st, 2009 I was 18wks4days pregnant. I was the happiest woman on earth. I was living with my amazing fiance. I worked at a wonderful daycare and loved all of the kids. Around the time I was getting ready for bed I noticed I was bleeding. Nothing had gone wrong with my pregnancy, everything was perfect in fact. I freaked out. I called the nurse on call and she told me just to sit down, not to go to the hospital, that it was normal. At about 1am I called my mom crying. She cried as well. I relaxed in a chair with my feet up watching Late Night Poker. At about 3am my sister called and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, I did. I thought, if anything, they could atleast do an ultrasound and tell me the sex of my baby, and that everything was ok.
Kacey came and drove me to the ER. (Dustins car wasn't working) We got there and everyone was very nice. The ER doctor did a pap and saw that something was coming out of my cervix. The sack of waters was pushing through. They took me straight up to the third floor where then laid me in the trendelenburg position (laying down angled with my feet over my head) I was like this for about 7 hours. The point of this being that gravity would pull the sack of waters back up into my cervix with the help of muscle relaxants. They were going to take me into surgery at 11am to have a cerclage (a stitch around my cervix) I was waking up after my surgery (which took a couple more hours than expected) and the doctor told me that the procedure did not work. I got violently sick and my water broke. I new that my baby was going to be born alive and healthy, but that she was going to die. I took a shower and was given pills to make my cervix dilate faster. At 4:56pm my beautiful daughter Miah Anne Colvin was born. She lived for about 5 minutes. She moved her arms a little. I held her in my hands as she passed away. I held her for about three more hours. My mom and sister held her as well. We took pictures with her. The hospital staff at Goshen was amazing. The nurses are the ones who delivered her. They gave her a bath. They treated her like any other baby that was born. They didn't treat her like a dead baby. They did her foot and hand prints in a mold. It's beautiful. Her hands were just a little bigger than my thumb nail, and her nails were long. She had perfect features. Miah was 8 1/4 in long and 6.1oz. Her skin was still translucent and you could see some white downy eyebrows. Her lungs just weren't developed enough.
We had a graveside service for her a couple days later at Violet cemetery. The house Dustin and I were living in while I was pregnant was visible from Miahs grave-site. Pastor Mitch from Grace Community Church, where I attend, did the service. He did a great job. We sang "Jesus Loves Me" and released pink, white, and purple balloons. Her casket was a small, simple wooden box.
Miahs due date was Dec. 29, 2009. That's a different story for a different day. But my amazing wonderful beautiful daughter will always be loved and remembered. She touched so many peoples lives in her very short time here on earth. It is only my faith that has brought me through these very hard times. I am glad for Miah, she did not have to go through this world. She did not have to know sadness, or pain. She was blessed. Shes up there in Heaven singing for Jesus. Pastor Mitch said it very well. The Bible says that life is just the twinkling of an eye. Miah is up in Heaven playing in the wildflowers and before she has a chance to turn around, I will be right behind her.