Saturday, July 10, 2010

better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
A soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out.

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

-Amy Grant.

Man that's how I feel. Many songs just break me down.
Miah's first birthday is getting closer.
I have no idea what to do.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
-Natalie Grant

Thursday, July 1, 2010

11 months vs. 26 weeks. Worth the wait.

There will never be a winner, and there really is no battle. But sometimes it seems like there is a winner, when I wish there was never a battle. I am that loser. I am that battle.

I should have an 11 month old little girl. She would be able to talk by now. Say mama. Instead I have her buried under the ground. He tiny lungs couldn't even cry.

I was so incredibly happy when I found out I was pregnant with Miah. Dustin and I were living together, on our own, in a wonderful little one bedroom apartment. Both of us working. I took the test in the morning and thought it was positive, but wasn't sure. So I retested the next morning, and sure enough, two pink lines. I called Dustin right away. Later that morning my mom came to pick me up, her, my sister, my nephew and I were going to go out for breakfast. I ordered chocolate milk instead of soda. Then we went to walmart. I picked out two Newborn size onesies. One was navy and said "Cute as a" with a picture of a button. The other says "Worth the wait" with a picture of a snail and is light blue. (I never could have imagined how long that wait would really be until a baby filled it out) I put the onesies in a gift bag and got a mothers day card (It was a couple weeks before mothers day 2009) for my mom that was to "grandma" and signed it "the bean size baby in Jamie's belly" while Kacey opened the bag. And that's how I told them. It was a wonderful, beautiful day. With amazing memories.

Fast forward 9 months.

When I found out I was pregnant with Max, I was in denial. Dustin and I and two of our friends were bowling, and Dustin and Dami both thought there was something wrong with me. They both actually thought I was pregnant. But I was sure there was no way I was, so it made me even madder. I was living at home again now. And I still had another test from when I tested for Miah. (I saved everything that had to do with her) I got up early to pee on a stick. There they were, two bright pink lines. I started crying. My mom had gone to drive through mcdonalds for breakfast (we like to eat. haha) and when she came home, after we ate, I told her. She screamed and cried as I sobbed into a pillow.

These are so very very different. My first high risk Drs apt was exactly 6 months after Miah was born and passed away.

I am so very in love with Max as he's growing inside of me. And I feel like I'm being unfair to him. It took months until my family was excited for him. I loved him from day one, but I was scared most of the way more than anything.

Here I am on bedrest. Trying to keep my tiny rainbow inside of me.

He is already 8 weeks bigger than Miah ever will. He gains more weight in a week, than she even was.

I have set a moving target of goals. First was 24 weeks. (yay) Next is 28. Then 30. Then 34.

I was talking to someone the other day, and told them I just hope he stays in until Aug. and it hit me. Like a gunshot to my chest. I hope Max makes it in my belly, until Miahs 1st Birthday.

August 1st.

I have been extremely blessed with my rainbow baby Maximus. He will live. He will talk and walk, pray and cry, love and give. Miah touched so many people in her 5 minutes of life. But she got to go straight to heaven.

So my days, moments, thoughts, fears, emotions are all extremely bipolar.

I should have a talking baby girl, and growing a baby boy (with my super healthy cervix) But that is not my life. That is not Gods plan for me.

So someday in the upcoming months I am going to bring home a baby boy in an outfit that was meant for his sister. He will never know her in this world. But I believe she knows him very well.

Mommy loves you Miah Anne. Happy 11 months in Heaven.
And Maximus please stay in there. You are worth the wait.