tears of rage

So 9 months ago tonight (on a Friday also) is when I went to the ER for bleeding. And 9 months ago tomorrow (Saturday Aug. 1st 2009) is when my beautiful Miah Anne passed away. Now tonight, I'm pregnant with a baby that is the exact age she was on the same day. 9 months apart. Dustin wasn't there for me then, why should I have expected anything different from him tonight. It's going to be a hard one. It already is.

Tears of Rage - The Band

Tears of rage, tears of grief

Why must I always be the thief?

Come to me now, you know we're so low

And life is brief

Timing.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. A reason that is way bigger than me. Way bigger than my world. When I was little I used to watch the Veggie Tales where they sing "God is bigger than the Boogie Man." I think about that song a lot. I get scared really easily and I hate it. It makes me question myself and my faith, but I know that that is a lie of satan. I am strong. My relationship with Jesus grows daily. I wish it would grow faster, I'm hunger for him. One of the hardest things right now is Dustin. I love him more than anything. I just wish he would accept Jesus. He sure is growing, and that's wonderful. But I want him to be the future leader of our family. I need him to be a man of God. I pray for that constantly. He is one of the nicest people I know. He has such a kind heart. He loves me and Miah and Bubbles more than anything, but I want him to be madly in love with my Jesus. Please pray for him!

So I titled this "Timing" and now I will explain why.

Miah was due on Dec. 29, 2009. This baby is due Sep. 29, 2010. Miah passed away at about 18.4 weeks on Aug. 1st, 2009. This baby will be that exact age on May 1st, 2010. Exactly 9 months after Miah passed away.

I'm not sure if I was ready for this baby, but I know I am now. I was still having a hard time with pregnant ladies, how in the world was I going to be one in the mirror?
I have been given abundant peace by my most powerful God. I am more than blessed.

love you all!
jamie and bubbles

Names

http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9759620

Bad Dr!!!

Today I had a follow up DR. apt to check my cerclage and stuff. So Dustin and I get there, I have never seen this Dr. before, and he turns out to be a total jerk! He wouldn't look at my stitch. He was just trying to get us to leave. He told me that it's like barbwire around my cervix, that sure made me feel better! (sarcasism) Then he said that I could lift up to 30 lbs and walk as much as I want, and do stairs, and take baths. All of which the Dr I've seen so far has said not to do. Then he talked about his 8 year old daughter and her medication (shes on the same stuff as me) and how I'm not taking enough, he seriously talked about her longer than he spent talking to me. We were being pushed out when he said he "guesses he could check for the heartbeat" ugh. And I had lost even more weight (20 lbs now since my first preg. apt) And the nurse was more worried then he was. I would be fine with never seeing him again. Then after all of this. He said to make my next apt for 4 weeks!!! 4 weeks?!?! are you crazy. I was told I would need my cerclage checked at least ever other week. And he didn't even look at it!! Crazy man. So at check out I made another apt with my Dr. who did the surgery on Wed. He told me he wanted to check it anyways. That makes me feel better that I get to see him. And I'm having my big ultrasound on May 11th. We will find out the sex then if not before!
Thanks for all your prayers!!
Love you all!
-jamie and bubbles

After My Cerclage

Everything went amazingly well! I've been so blessed!!! Thank you all for the prayers! They couldn't find Bubbles heartbeat at first, but my Dr said that the surgery center didn't have the right kind of doppler. So I got sent in for an ultrasound. Bubbles is great! Moving a lot and measuring big. I'm not on strict bedrest like I thought I was going to have to be, since my stitch took so well. I have to limit my activity tho, and after Bubbles gets bigger I will be on stricter bedrest. I have a follow up apt on Monday, but I believe all is well, just still having some bleeding.
Love to you all!!

Cerclage Tomorrow

Please pray.

Bubbles

So a lot of people have asked what I have started to call the baby, and it's Bubbles. It fits bubbles, when I first felt Bubbles move it was like bubbles popping...Now it's flips and nudges, but Bubbles stuck.

I had a wonderful birthday!!! I was so proud of myself, we had gotten the cake the day before, and it was sitting in my fridge, with my name on it!! and I didn't touch it. I was so proud.

My sister got me a digital camera, and my mom gave me money. This is the most I've ever gotten for a birthday before. But I guess it's a big one.

My dreams are pretty weird.

Sometimes I'm so positive, and sometimes I'm not. It's like, when I hold this baby in my hands, or if I ever get to hold this baby alive. It's really hard.

Thanks again for all your prayers, and please keep them coming!!

xoxo
-jamie