better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
A soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out.

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

-Amy Grant.


Man that's how I feel. Many songs just break me down.
Miah's first birthday is getting closer.
I have no idea what to do.


This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
-Natalie Grant

11 months vs. 26 weeks. Worth the wait.

There will never be a winner, and there really is no battle. But sometimes it seems like there is a winner, when I wish there was never a battle. I am that loser. I am that battle.

I should have an 11 month old little girl. She would be able to talk by now. Say mama. Instead I have her buried under the ground. He tiny lungs couldn't even cry.

I was so incredibly happy when I found out I was pregnant with Miah. Dustin and I were living together, on our own, in a wonderful little one bedroom apartment. Both of us working. I took the test in the morning and thought it was positive, but wasn't sure. So I retested the next morning, and sure enough, two pink lines. I called Dustin right away. Later that morning my mom came to pick me up, her, my sister, my nephew and I were going to go out for breakfast. I ordered chocolate milk instead of soda. Then we went to walmart. I picked out two Newborn size onesies. One was navy and said "Cute as a" with a picture of a button. The other says "Worth the wait" with a picture of a snail and is light blue. (I never could have imagined how long that wait would really be until a baby filled it out) I put the onesies in a gift bag and got a mothers day card (It was a couple weeks before mothers day 2009) for my mom that was to "grandma" and signed it "the bean size baby in Jamie's belly" while Kacey opened the bag. And that's how I told them. It was a wonderful, beautiful day. With amazing memories.

Fast forward 9 months.

When I found out I was pregnant with Max, I was in denial. Dustin and I and two of our friends were bowling, and Dustin and Dami both thought there was something wrong with me. They both actually thought I was pregnant. But I was sure there was no way I was, so it made me even madder. I was living at home again now. And I still had another test from when I tested for Miah. (I saved everything that had to do with her) I got up early to pee on a stick. There they were, two bright pink lines. I started crying. My mom had gone to drive through mcdonalds for breakfast (we like to eat. haha) and when she came home, after we ate, I told her. She screamed and cried as I sobbed into a pillow.

These are so very very different. My first high risk Drs apt was exactly 6 months after Miah was born and passed away.

I am so very in love with Max as he's growing inside of me. And I feel like I'm being unfair to him. It took months until my family was excited for him. I loved him from day one, but I was scared most of the way more than anything.

Here I am on bedrest. Trying to keep my tiny rainbow inside of me.

He is already 8 weeks bigger than Miah ever will. He gains more weight in a week, than she even was.

I have set a moving target of goals. First was 24 weeks. (yay) Next is 28. Then 30. Then 34.

I was talking to someone the other day, and told them I just hope he stays in until Aug. and it hit me. Like a gunshot to my chest. I hope Max makes it in my belly, until Miahs 1st Birthday.

August 1st.

I have been extremely blessed with my rainbow baby Maximus. He will live. He will talk and walk, pray and cry, love and give. Miah touched so many people in her 5 minutes of life. But she got to go straight to heaven.

So my days, moments, thoughts, fears, emotions are all extremely bipolar.

I should have a talking baby girl, and growing a baby boy (with my super healthy cervix) But that is not my life. That is not Gods plan for me.

So someday in the upcoming months I am going to bring home a baby boy in an outfit that was meant for his sister. He will never know her in this world. But I believe she knows him very well.

Mommy loves you Miah Anne. Happy 11 months in Heaven.
And Maximus please stay in there. You are worth the wait.

Funneling, crap.

Today was another ultrasound. At the last one they couldn't see Max's face, and a side effect of a medicine I take is clef pallet, so we were so happy to see that his little face is perfect!!! He's measuring bigger than his due date so that's nice too. But for the bad news... I'm funneling. I'm not sure if it's all the way to the cerclage yet, I wont see my doc. till Wed. But I know woman can still go full term with funneling, especially with my handy dandy cerclage. Btw, my cervix measured about 2.9. I was happy with that. So bed rest it is.

When the tech was looking at his lips and nose, Max kept boxing at her. He's so awesome. Haha. I love that little man so much. Oh, and he is all MAN.

Thanks for all the prayers, and please keep them coming. Love to you all!!

Bed Rest

So yesterday I was having tons of BHs. and then a lot of pressure. So this morning, right before some wonderful Nelsons Chicken..It feels like there is a bowling ball sitting on my cervix and tearing out my cerclage. So needless to say, 2 hours, google, and a non answering nurse on call, later, my mom and I were sitting in L&D at the hospital. In the 5ish hours I was there, my doctor delivered two babies and did a surgery. (I had written a post about him before..Bad Dr. And he reprieved himself today) So, after a very very painful exam, I knew something was wrong. He had to go out and "check some things" after he did my (extremely painful) exam, but when he came back I was just told that I need to greatly reduce my activity. Well you see. I do nothing. Absolutely nothing. So bed rest it is then. Maximus is still kicking away and healthy, that's so wonderful. But now I just need my cervix to hold for at LEAST another 8 weeksish please.
Thanks for all your prayers!!
Happy Fathers day to all you men out there!
<3


Thanks to Cara's Mommy over at Angel Baby Names for this beautiful picture for Miah.

Updates and Rants

I have not written for a while, but I sure have been reading. It may be good that I've had nothing to write about, just letting Max grow. On Saturday Dustin and I got his travel system. I think I could pass a test on travel systems right now, I've read so much on them. Everything is going wonderful, and at the same time, everything is really hard. The worst of all, money. I hate money. I truly do. I would love to live in a society where I grow you a potato and you cook me some bread and at the end of the day I give you some potatoes for some bread. Makes sense huh. The travel system is the only thing we have gotten for him. (Some wonderful people have given us some adorable clothes) The other hard thing is space, and space is connected to stupid money. Right now I'm living at home with my mom, sister, and nephew. I share a room with my sister and nephew. So when Max gets here, I will take my moms room, and she will sleep with my sister and nephew. It's hard and frustrating. If I were able to work right now, Dustin and I could afford our own place, but I can't work, so no place for us. But Max is doing great. My cervix are getting checked on the 21st, and we should get to see his face then. (the last u/s he wouldn't let us see his face, he showed his penis nice and clear, but no face) And the only side effect of a medication I am on is clef lip so that's even more of a reason to be happy to get so see his face. Did I tell you guys we picked out a name. Maximus. And either Jude or James for his middle name. =)

How far along: 23 weeks 5 days(going by 10/6 edd)
Weight gain: I first lost 20 pounds, I've gained back 2.
Stretch marks: I've had some, now I'm getting them on my sides.
Symptoms: I'm still pretty tired. But that's all!!
Sleep: Sleep? Maybe that's why I'm tired. It's so stinkin hot. We have no A/C or fans. and too much body heat, and it's hard to get comfy. Ugh. So sleep..hmm.. I'll get back to ya.
Best Moment this Week: My mom, Hayden, and Dustin have now all felt and seen Max move. The other night I was pressing a little where he was pushing out at and I could feel him perfectly, like his actual little body. And now if I lay on one side and he goes that way, when I sit up you can see where he is.
Food Cravings: Popsicles, popcorn, CHICKEN!!
Labor Signs: some BH
Belly Button in or out?: In, but it's never been so shallow.
Movement: He moves so so so much. So far I've had nurses tell me to get ready, and Doctors that have called him a movie and a shaker. =)
Milestones: Well, Max is now about 5 weeks older than Miah will ever be.


Eventually I will post pictures of my growing belly. Someday.

Hospital Scare

I've craved Olive Garden for a very long time. The last time I asked Dustin to take me, he broke his key in half in his car door, so we didn't get to go. Then last night I asked him to take me today. And his car battery dies. We get it charged, make it there, and have wonderful taste buds delight!! Max was doing flips in my belly, I can already tell he's a fan. So after an hour of eating and letting it digest and trying to stuff down more, we leave.(TMI alert!!) On our way out I stop to go pee, and as I wipe, brown mucusy discharge. Tears stream on down. I use Dustins phone to find the doctors number, call, talk to nurse, and as we start driving back to town from Elkhart, his phone almost dies. But it holds out for the nurse to call me back and tell me to head to L&D right away. Ugh. PANIC MODE. It seems like everyone is driving half of the speed limit. So it takes us almost an hour to get from Olive Garden to the hospital. When Dustin and I get up there they are already waiting for us, I get put on monitors, and Max kicks the monitor constantly. That's the only thing that made it easier/better. As two different nurses try and monitor his heartbeat, he lets you listen to it for a while, then kicks repeatedly at the monitor itself. Hard enough causing it to move. DR comes in and checks my cerclage, turns out that there is tissue around one of the holes from the stitch that is inflamed and rough, and that's what's causing the spotting. Giant sighs of relief and praises. So so wonderful to be preparing for the worse and all that happens is you get two nurses to call your unborn baby boy a booger already. =) it was nice to hear him move so much, I can feel him all the time, but nice to hear it.
Thank you all for the prayers!! and please keep them coming!
love you all!
jamie

Team Blue

I've been able to hold boys since I lost my beautiful Miah, but I still haven't held a girl. For the first 4 months I felt like my bubbles was a boy, but I didn't know for sure. After my cerclage I started getting more excited about being pregnant, still extremely bittersweet.
Today was my big ultrasound. I told my lady that I really wanted to know the gender, and she was amazing!! The U/S took over an hour, she was so thorough and kind. While she was measuring the thigh bone, we heard there is the scrotum *pause* me, my mom, and Dustin all squealed in unison. She laughed, it was a wonderful moment.
My little man is sure a mover and a shaker. His hands kept covering his face, he would wave a lot, and move and flip and have hiccups. So wonderful. The best part... Everything was perfect!! That's the most I could ask for. I am the most excited I've been so far through this pregnancy now. I'm not worried as much, I have a special peace. My cerclage is holding strong and my cervix look amazing. (as cervixs go)
Thanks again for all the prayers!! You all are incredibly wonderful!!
you can vote on boys names at http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9759620
love you all!!
-jamie and bubbles